


Selfish Disclosures

by phansparent (lestershoweller)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Fluff, M/M, Sad, Suicide mention, alcohol mention, see note at end about whether this is a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2015-11-09
Packaged: 2018-04-30 18:45:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5175428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lestershoweller/pseuds/phansparent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan can’t help but think back to all the times he put Phil first in their relationship, as he waits for Phil to marry his fianceé, Rebecca. It’s time for him to decide whether he should continue to be selfless and definitely lose Phil forever, or be selfish for the chance of having Phil as his.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Selfish Disclosures

_It started out before they had even met. It was a combination of fear that Phil would stop talking to him if he didn’t do everything for him and complete infatuation that made Dan want to give Phil everything he wanted. It’s not that Phil was ever selfish in their relationship, just that Dan tended to be the more selfless one._

* * *

It was a strange night because the lights in Dan’s room were out before midnight. His head had been pounding all day, and his parents had dragged him to a noisy restaurant anyway. He’d barely been able to stomach his food without vomiting, the beating in his head making his stomach ache and turn.

All Dan wanted to do was sleep, but sleep did not come easy with a migraine headache. He tossed and turned, laid on his back, his front, his side, legs curled up and legs extended. He tried to wank and gave up after a few strokes.

But the air eventually seemed quieter. He felt his body softly become one with his mattress, and he was finally sinking into sleep. He was just about there when his text tone blared. He opened his eyes just to turn off the text notifications, but the message was from Phil. He cannot stand to leave it unread.

**Phil Lester ^_^:** r u awake?

Dan knew he could tell Phil about his headache, and Phil would coo and send him off to sleep, maybe with some silly message like, bees are making a hive inside you. But there was this gnawing ball of worry in his chest about not answering so he did.

**Dan Howell:** Yes :)

**Phil Lester ^_^:**  Skype me I’m bored :D

And that was all it took for him to sign on. His head was still throbbing, and he knew he might actually throw up if he stared at the computer screen too long. But it was those happy emoticons, and the promise of a smiling Phil that never let Dan say no.

* * *

“I want to meet you for real so badly,” Phil said.

“Me too,” Dan answered, with only a small smile, not at all equivalent to the ferocity of his heart beating in his chest. He was terrified for Phil to know just how much he was longing to meet him, to feel Phil’s slender arms wrap around him.

“Maybe I should just come to you. That way your parents will agree,” Phil suggested.

“No, it’s fine.” Dan didn’t want to be a stupid eighteen-year-old whose parents dictated his life. “They’ll change their minds.”

Later that night when they had hung up, Dan booked his tickets to Manchester for the next night. He didn’t tell Phil for nearly three years how he lied and said he was going to London with a friend for the day. He didn’t call them and confess until he was nearly in Manchester when they couldn’t do a thing. The fight that ensued was the worst he’d ever had with his parents, but Dan never felt like it wasn’t worth it.

* * *

There was one time that Dan almost kissed Phil. Phil took him to see all of the main attractions of Manchester, which really wasn’t much more than a Starbucks and the Apple Store. But then they’d gone to the Manchester Eye. Phil had gotten shy when they’d arrived in front of it. He kept saying how sorry he was that there were wasn’t anything fun to do, and they had to resort to children’s activities like riding a Ferris Wheel. Dan wished Phil could have seen the way he’d look at Phil when he wasn’t looking, like a person who’d just seen God. He wanted to grab Phil’s hand and hold it to his chest to show him the way his heart was thumping against his ribs. But he just smiled weakly and pushed Phil towards the line to get on the wheel.

Phil kept playing with his hands as the wheel turned them up towards the top and sputtering words that seemed to come from nowhere.

“Everyone on here is a couple,” Phil whispered, and the sound drove a shiver down Dan’s spine.

“Hmm,” Dan responded because he didn’t know what else to say to that.

“It’s been so long since I’ve been in a couple. I’m not sure I’ve ever really been in a couple. I’m a terrible boyfriend. I get bored too quickly. That’s what happened in uni.”

Dan could feel his skin turning cold, becoming layered in a film of sweat. “Oh.”

“I think I’ve just been waiting for the right person, I guess, to be a couple with…” Phil trailed off, looking out the side of their carriage.

And Dan wanted to grab Phil’s face and turn him towards him and smack their lips together. His fingers were itching, and every atom of his body was saying to do it. But Phil was waiting for a special person. Kissing Phil then would have confused him and perhaps driven Phil away. So, Dan kept his hands to himself and let them stay the only non-couple on the wheel.

* * *

University had never been what Dan dreamed about when he imagined his life. If he was honest, he wanted to continue acting, but he knew that was never going to happen, and the idea of trying and making a complete twat of himself was too strong. But what was there if he didn’t go to uni? He couldn’t sit in his bedroom and make YouTube videos for the rest of his life. He liked the sound of the word lawyer more than the work that would go along with it, but it  _seemed_  fine.

Moving to Manchester seemed  _finer._

Every time Phil asked where he was planning on going, he’d smile this shy smile, like he didn’t want Dan to know why he kept asking, like he wasn’t waiting patiently for Dan to say the words “Manchester.” He’d continue to smile after Dan said, “I don’t know yet,” even though Dan saw the way his eyes turned glassy and bit the inside of his cheek.

It wasn’t that Dan was trying to torture Phil, but he didn’t want to get Phil’s hopes up. Dan wasn’t nearly good enough to get into Manchester. His grades hadn’t been good enough in school and his scores on his exams weren’t good enough. He couldn’t bring himself to actually do the work his tutor wanted him to do. He kept procrastinating on his essay because every time he tried to write it all that came out was “I want to move to Manchester so I can make this really gorgeous man fall in love with me.”

But maybe Dan had saved the life of the Queen of Fucking England in a previous life or something because  _somehow_ he’d gotten in.

“Don’t come here just for me,” Phil said.

But there was no other reason for Dan. He didn’t tell him though.

“They’ve got a good law program,” Dan lied.

They both smiled smiles that hurt their faces, that hid the words they both wanted to say but didn’t know how to say.

* * *

Dan fought with Phil every other day about his tendency to steal his cereal. Phil never knew that Dan stopped keeping his own box in in the kitchen only a few weeks into living together. The one Phil stole from was the one that Dan bought on his way home sometimes just in cse Phil was running low on his own box.

Phil never quite understood why Dan’s things always tasted better.

* * *

Phil hadn’t known that Dan had spent most of the day browsing the internet rather than doing the revising he was supposed to do. Dan had shut himself in his room for the whole day with the intention of revising, but every time he opened a book, his throat got dry, and he felt himself begin to panic. He’d finally managed to crack open the book and bury his head into it, when Phil burst into his room.

“Dan, I said I’d upload this video tonight, but my mum just reminded me I said I’d come home for dinner tonight.” Phil speeded through his words, and Dan knew there was a request underneath them even though Phil would never  _ask_  Dan to edit his video for him.

Dan felt awful, but it was hard not to think about how adorable Phil looked when he was stressed about something like this. He’d dig his fingers into his fringe and push it up into a quiff, revealing his natural brown roots. The only times Dan saw Phil angry were at times when he had to break promises to his subscribers. They were the only moments where he’d sink into an endless strain of thoughts about his worthlessness, and Dan hated to say how nice it was to sometimes be the one who made Phil feel better.

“I’m such an idiot,” Phil muttered.

Dan smiled at Phil. “Give me your computer. I’ll finish it and upload it tonight,” Dan said.

“But your exam!” Phil argued.

“It’s okay. I’ve been revising all day.”

Sometimes Dan imagined that one of these times he saved Phil’s ass that he’d be overcome and kiss Dan. But all these moments just added up to Dan dropping out of uni and friendly pat on the shoulder.

* * *

Phil was the type of flatmate who could never manage to pour a bowl of cereal without leaving at least ten different things on the counter, spilling something on the floor, leaving the sink full of dirty items and opening about every cupboard. And Dan cleaned it up every time, even if he knew Phil had just left it behind for a few moments to answer the door or use the toilet.

Phil watched him sometimes, his tongue peeking out of his mouth, but Dan never saw him.

* * *

“Hey Dan, can you come in her for a minute?” Phil called from across the hall.

“What’s up?” Dan asked, sticking his head into Phil’s room. He’d always imagined he’d be sharing it by now. He spent as little time in his own room as possible, as it felt too empty to him. He wanted to suffocate in the blue, green, and yellow of Phil’s bedroom much like he suffocated looking into Phil’s eyes.

Phil was standing in front of his mirror, buttoning his shirt. Dan caught a quick glance of Phil’s chest hair, something he rarely got to see unless he went on a creepy rewatch of all of Phil’s old videos at 4 AM when Phil was long asleep.

“What do you think of this shirt?” Phil asked, brushing his fingers though his fringe anxiously.

“It’s…fine,” was all Dan could muster without revealing how awestruck he was by Phil. The way the black cloth fit closely against Phil’s skin, and the sleeves hugged his biceps tightly made Dan want to sneak off ot his room for alone time.

“Where are you going?” Dan asked, desperate to distract himself from how much he wanted to hop on Phil’s dick.

“I’ve got a date,” Phil said, his smile reflected at Dan through the mirror.

“What?” Dan asked, wanting to shoot himself for not hiding the shakiness of his voice.

“It’s not that big of a shock, is it?” Phil asked defensively, crossing his arms and turning around to face Dan.

“Her name is Rebecca…”

That night was the night Dan had to finally admit to himself that Phil’s room would never be his, that he wasn’t just very slowly winning Phil over. A couple of bottles of beer were thrown back and all of the bottles were subsequently broken.

Maybe he should have told him the next morning. But when had Dan ever been able to wipe a smile off of Phil’s face? When had Dan ever lived a life where his heart wasn’t a little bit broken? He’d survive like always, as long as he still had Phil as something.

* * *

Sometimes when Phil wasn’t paying attention, Dan would change his level of difficulty on two player games to expert and leave Phil’s on normal, just to hear Phil’s excited screeches when he actually beat Dan at a video game for once. Dan would whine and call the game stupid and throw the remote on the floor, all while hiding a smile beneath his hand.

* * *

For a long time, “I’ve got a date” rang in Dan’s head as the worst words Phil had ever spoken to him. That was until the words “I’m going to propose” left Phil’s lips.

Two years before, Dan swore he’d become used to the idea that he and Phil would never be together, but he’d only reduced the pain until a subtle ache. Now it throbbed again in full force, threatening to knock him too his knees.

“I’m going to invite her over for a nice dinner tonight to ask,” Phil said, his lips stretched into a smile. “Do you think you could play Interrupted by Fireworks on piano for it?”

Dan swallowed hard, trying to keep down the contents of his stomach that were threatening to explode from his mouth. “Of course, Phil.”

* * *

Dan’s feet are aching from the too tight dress shoes he’d borrowed for this occasion. His bowtie is too tight, and it’s choking him. Or maybe he’s choking because Phil is standing beside him waiting for Rebecca to meet him at the altar, and Dan wishes Phil were waiting for him to meet him at the altar. Phil catches Dan’s eye, and Dan puts on a false smile because if there’s ever a time to be selfless it’s now. Phil’s eyes sparkle as he stares at the back door of the church, rubbing his sweating hands against the trousers of his tuxedo. Rebecca enters the church on her father’s arm, and she is gorgeous. She and Phil look at each other like there’s no one else in the church. She’s practically running to meet him, and Dan think she sees tears pooling at the bottom of Phil’s eyes. They’re pooling at Dan’s too, but no one but he knows why.

He should be happy for them. Rebecca is lovely and respects their friendship. She’d told Dan he needn’t even move out after they got married. There is no way Dan would be able to watch his home with Phil because Phil’s home with Rebecca though. He hasn’t told anybody yet, but he plans to take a long hiatus after the wedding, traveling far away so he doesn’t have to witness the newlywed bliss of his best friend and someone other than him.

Dan grinds his toe into the floor, wondering just how he got so lucky as to find his soul mate, only to have his soul mate have a different one. But Dan never told Phil he loves him, so it’s Dan’s fault. He never found the right time to give his own feelings importance. Maybe Phil would have loved him back, but it’s too late now. It doesn’t help that the wedding is being held in Manchester. The air is filled with memories that Dan hates that he doesn’t want to forget.

Eventually he’d get over this, move on with someone of his own. Maybe he and Phil would live next door to each other. Maybe their kids could be best friends, and one day they’d fall in love and live out Dan’s dream for him. He could live with that future.

But there is another part of Dan that can’t settle for that future, that would rather risk not having Phil in his life forever for the chance that somewhere deep down Phil loves him too. There is a part of him that thinks he still has one last chance and all he has to do is wait for those seven words from the priest. His ears vibrate with the force of his own blood pumping, and he feels each beat of his heart against his ribcage. His chest is tight, finally about to burst from the words he’s been keeping inside himself for so long. And he realizes now that he can’t live without knowing for certain, and he’d rather Phil hate him than stay silent. If there was ever a time to be selfish, it was now, two minutes before his world deteriorates around him. The colors around him have already started to dim grey, his movements have been slowing, like he needs to replace his batteries, but he can’t find any new ones. There is only one last chance at happiness for Dan, and he thinks it’s about time he takes it.

“If anyone has any reason that these two should not be wed, speak now, or forever hold your peace.”

“I do.”

Six years of YouTube conventions failed to prepare Dan for the scrutiny with which everyone in the pews stare at him. People’s eyes are wide and mouths are ajar. Rebecca’s parents appear as if they are about to storm to the altar and forcibly remove Dan. Phil’s mother’s mouth is stretched into a tight line, as if she’s trying desperately not to smile. The least surprised seems to be Rebecca, whose sigh rings throughout the church, along with a mutter of “So close…”

Phil turns to look at Dan, his eyebrows furrowed, creating the thin creases on Phil’s forehead that Dan always joked were a sign of Phil’s internal old man. His face suggest the belief that this outburst is a practical joke he doesn’t understand, and Dan dreads the Phil’s eyes are about to droop.

“I’m in love with you.”

For words that always seemed too hard to say, they spill easily now from Dan’s mouth.

“What?” Phil screeches.

“Fuck, I’m an idiot. I’m so sorry,” Dan gasps. He should probably feel worse about swearing inside a church, but he just sabotaged a wedding, which was arguably worse. His throat is closing up, and he needs to escape, making long strides back down the aisle.

“I knew he couldn’t just be really, really heterosexual!” Dan can hear Rebecca as he pushes the church doors open.

* * *

Dan doesn’t know why he ended up there. Maybe he’s going to take the train home back to London and move the stuff out of what used to be their flat like he should have done over a year ago. Maybe he’s going to throw himself in front of a train. Maybe he just wants to remember what it felt like the first time Phil embraced him when Dan still had dreams for them. Phil’s smile is ground into the walls of every surface of the station. He doesn’t bother to hide his leaking eyes from the passing travelers. Dan had spent so many moments at this station with Phil, half complete bliss when he arrived to meet the older, half agony as he got on the train to leave. Then one day he came to Manchester, and he never left again without Phil by his side. Now was his last goodbye, worse than any of the ones before. He never thought he would be leaving this station alone again.

He remembers that day so clearly. He remembers feeling awkward glancing around the station, the only person who seemed to have no idea where he was going. He remembers the flash of panic when he realized that Phil could just  _never_ show up because what did Phil want with an eighteen-year old wannabe emo who spoke like Winnie the Pooh. He remembers the butterflies in his stomach when he first caught sight of the tall black-haired man, and the way he’d almost melted when the first thing Phil did was open his arms for Dan to rest himself inside. He remembers the way that in hugging Phil he finally felt like he had found his place in life. It’s strange how he can almost see him now, walking towards him, arms outstretched.

Then they’re wrapped around him, and Dan thinks he must be going crazy because he can actually feel Phil around him, can smell his slightly woodsy scent. He can feel Phil’s hand reach up and wipe the tears off Dan’s cheeks.

“It’s funny,” Phil says. “This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, but I’m realizing now that I had the happiest day of my life six years ago, right here in this train station.”

Dan chokes and bangs his fist against Phil’s chest. “Don’t say that Phil. Please don’t say stuff like that.” He’s sobbing now, and he knows his face is red and disgusting, but he can’t hold back the tears anymore. They’re six years of tears finally being released. “Don’t make me think you could love me.”

“But I do love you,” Phil says, lifting a hand to brush Dan’s fringe out of his eyes.

“You’re married!” Dan shouts.

Phil holds up a bare hand. “Nope,” he replies, squeezing his lips together and shaking his head.

Dan feels himself hyperventilating, his heart fluttering in his chest. “What?”

Phil puts a hand on Dan’s cheek, rubbing his thumb along the soft, damp skin. “I thought I was over you when I met Rebecca. I thought that I had to get over you because you were never going to love me in that way. But apparently I was really oblivious.” Phil laughs and continues, “I tried to go on with the ceremony, but Rebecca stopped me. She asked me up there, what I would have done if you had told me last night, what I would have told you if we hadn’t been in front of all those people, before the wedding had started, and I couldn’t answer. And that’s when I knew what I would have done even though it’s so wrong, because it’s been what I’ve been wanting to do since I met you here six year ago, and maybe even before then.”

“What?” Dan whispers, staring into Phil’s eyes.

“I would have kissed you.”

And then Phil’s lips are on Dan’s, and the world is spinning around but simultaneously it’s like nothing else exists but them. It tastes like honey and warmth, and Dan would be happy to spend the rest of his life attached to Phil’s lips. Dan feels eighteen again, and without realizing he’s bending his knees so he’s shorter than Phil again, so it’s almost like it started when it was meant to.

They reluctantly pull themselves apart because they’re being banged by suitcases of passing travelers who keep muttering, “Get a room.” They’re still practically on top of each other though, Dan’s head rested on Phil’s shoulder, his mouth inches from the pale skin of Phil’s neck.

“I’m sorry about the timing,” Dan says, his mouth stuck in a giddy smile.

“I can take the hatred from my wedding goers for you. Everyone in the world can hate me as long as I have you,” Phil says.

And Dan thinks that maybe sometimes it’s okay for him to be the one who’s selfish.

**Author's Note:**

> happy ending :D


End file.
